Most of my personal stories that I share here have happened in the past, so it’s really fun for me to tell you about Alexander’s story because it is happening in the present! 

We have had a few developments in his story since the last post about his court finalization.

As you know, we are BIG fans of open adoptions, and are thankful everyday for the relationship we have with Jonathan’s birth mom.  She only lives a few hours away from us so it is easy to plan a few visits every year along with emailing and texting. 

Alexander’s birth mom lives in the Marshall Islands.  We have never met her because we were Alexander’s second set of adoptive parents.  (Read about the details of Alexander’s adoption here) His first set of adoptive parents, Jack and Jill, did meet his birth mom and had an open relationship with her through Facebook and Messenger.  She doesn’t speak any English, so the extent of their relationship was sending pictures and occasionally video calls.

Ever since we adopted Alexander, we have wished to have an open relationship with his birth mom, Tomi, but we have been unsure of the best way to get in touch with her. We have spoken with Jack and Jill various times about reaching out to Tomi and having them explain to her that they placed Alexander with us.  Unfortunately, this has gotten us nowhere. 

After Alexander’s adoption was finalized, I asked Jill to help us get in contact with Tomi.  I was surprised to learn that they hadn’t even tried to tell her that they had placed Alexander with us six months previous.  I can imagine that it would be a devastatingly difficult conversation to have, especially with the language barrier, but thought it was something they would have felt compelled to do.

I really wanted them to explain to Tomi why they chose to place him for adoption a second time and have them introduce us to her and re-assure her that we wanted to maintain as open of an adoption as she would like. 

I waited for 3 months to hear back from Jill about how things went when she told Tomi everything.  Finally, on January 1, 2019 I got a text from her.  It read

“Hi Becky. I’ve been trying to get a translator to help us out since we last talked.  He’s not very reliable.  I don’t think our part should be holding up you and Tomi being in contact.  I know she’d love to see pictures, and I think you guys should be able to talk, and have your relationship.  Your story and letter to Tomi is what matters.  I’ll look up her Facebook profile pictures so can easily find her.  She loves pictures, and may FaceTime you through Messenger.  When we did this, we basically just held Alexander up to the camera, and made faces, and sounds.

“Try to friend her on Facebook. Then send her your letter through Messenger.  I know you’ll get to her, it just might take a minute.”

After receiving this text, I gathered that Jack and Jill really had no intentions of telling Tomi anything, and that it was up to us to reach out to her.  Which meant we would also have to try to explain the circumstances that led up to us adopting Alexander.  I was really hoping that Tomi could hear about that from Jack and Jill.  But the ball is now in our court.

Apparently Tomi has quite a few Facebook profiles set up at any one time.  Thankfully, Jill sent me screen shots of 3 of the most recent profiles that Tomi has been active on.  About two weeks ago I tried ‘friending’ all three profiles.  As of yet, she hasn’t added me.

My next step is to change my profile picture to include Alexander and try ‘friending’ her again.

We are fortunate to know a few people who have lived in the Marshall Islands who are willing to help translate letters and messages for us.  I plan to send a short note to all three profiles, via Messenger, along with a picture of Alexander.

I would love so much to have contact with Tomi.  And to love her and thank her for Alexander.  I love birth moms so much!  They are spoken of with reverence in our home.  It is because of them that the four of us are family.  And that means EVERYTHING to us!

UPDATE

I have sent messages and pictures to several of Tomi’s Facebook accounts, but she hasn’t yet friended me.  And then much to my surprise I received another text from Jill yesterday which read,

“Hi Becky! Have you been able to get in touch with Tomi?  I really want you guys to be able to speak so she knows everything.  Once this happens, I will feel much better.  I just don’t want to drop this until I know you guys have been in contact in case you need me to say anything to her from my end.  Once you are friends on Facebook, I don’t think you need me.  I am hopeful that connection can be made and I’m happy to assist if needed.”

I was so grateful for this!  So, I let her know that we have not been able to have contact with Tomi yet, but that I was open to any suggestions and help that she could offer!

We talked a little bit about what to do and decided that she could write a message to Tomi and have her accept my friend request.  I sent Jill a screenshot of my Facebook profile to send with her message. 

This is where it got exciting.  Jill texted me right back and said that Tomi was currently on Facebook and that she was sending our picture to her and asked if I would also hop and send her some pictures of Alexander.  I did just that!

I felt like we were so close and I was hoping and praying that she would see my messages and accept my friend request!

But no such luck! Darn it!!!!

I will definitely keep trying, but if anyone who happens to read this has any suggestions, I would love so much to hear them!

As a side note, I have been doing a lot of reading lately about adoption and the impact it can make on the lives of every member of the triad.  I am very sad at the amount of negative information about adoption that is out there. 

I know that there are cases which are extremely awful for at least one member of the triad, if not all three. But I like to think that they are the minority, because the few people I know who have been personally involved with adoption are all grateful for adoption.  This includes adoptees and birth mothers, as well as adoptive families.

I would love to hear more success stories!  I am afraid that adoption is getting a really bad representation, especially on social media!  And it truly breaks my heart, because it has been such a blessing in my own life.

Please, please share what has worked in your lives to make adoption be a beautiful experience for all involved!  I would be especially grateful to hear from anyone who has been involved in a situation similar to Alexander’s experience of being adopted twice!

Thank you, my lovely friends!