One of the first things Jeron and I talked about when first began our adoption journey was whether or not we would comfortable with an open adoption plan.  Our first, and very uneducated, opinion was that we really hoped to have a closed adoption.  We knew that open adoptions were becoming more popular (for a good reason) but didn’t know anyone who had personally experienced it.  And we definitely didn’t understand it.

The idea of having a relationship with the birth mom scared me to death!

I didn’t want her to be hanging around and judging me.  What if she thought I was a bad mom to her child?  What if I taught our child one thing, and she taught him another? And what if she told him that she was his “real” mom?

I didn’t think I could emotionally handle it.  I pictured a situation where we were trying to co-parent our child with his birth parents, and I didn’t like it.

Jeron also had reservations about an open adoption.  He was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to love our child as his own if the “real” parents were around.  The result of this would be that we would never truly feel like parents.

There are so many things that make open adoption seem scary, and I am sure that if you are considering adoption you have thought about all the worst-case scenarios like we did.

And you are not wrong to do so.  Although I am going to mostly highlight the benefits of open adoption, it is important to know that it is not the best for every circumstance.  This is just my person experience learning about open adoptions, and what made me love them!

Knowing that adoption was the only way we could ever grow our family, and knowing that most adoptions tended to be open, I set out to learn all about them.

The first benefit that stood out to me very quickly was that the child would know where he came from.  He would know why he was placed for adoption.  He could know his birth mom, dad, grandparents, aunts, and uncles!  He would literally have two families to love and support him!  How amazing is that?!?!

The more people loving your child the better!

Along the same lines, the child wouldn’t never have to wonder, and be filled with questions, or doubt his identity. He would have access to the people who could answer all of the questions he might have.

This alone convinced me! Not only was I on board for an open adoption, I hoped for one, and prayed that we wouldn’t have a closed one.

The first time we met with Jonathan’s birth mom, Jennie, we were fortunate enough to have her case worker present.  She mediated the conversation and helped all of us to talk about the specific expectations we each had about adoption, and how we felt about an open adoption.  She also made sure that we understood that there were degrees of openness.

• Email Updates
• Pictures Updates
• Phone calls and texts
• Visits
• Social Media relationship. Communicate solely through social media. No calls, emails, or visits.
• Monthly + yearly + weekly + daily
• Any and every combination!

We were very happy that Jennie wanted an open adoption as well.  We could tell immediately that she was a very private person, so we let her decide the degree of openness that she felt the most comfortable with.  From the moment we first met her we have loved her like she was our own daughter.  In fact, right after our first meeting, Jeron said, “Can we adopt her and her baby?”

We eventually agreed to send texts and pictures throughout the first month.  Following that we would send monthly emails and pictures for at least the first year of Jonathan’s life. We let her know that we were open to visits anytime.

After Jonathan was placed with us, I went home envisioning a beautifully open, and friendly relationship with Jennie. I sent her pictures of Jonathan daily the first week, and she even came to visit when we was just a few weeks old.

 

Photo by Kylielin Photography

 

It did seem a little awkward, and Jeron and I were both kind of nervous about her holding him again.  We were afraid that she would hold him, realize she made a huge mistake, second guess the adoption and be filled with regret and despair!

After she left, we were pretty unsure of how she was doing.  I really wanted the open adoption to work, so I just committed to doing exactly what we had agreed.  I faithfully sent monthly emails and pictures.  I asked how she and her family were doing. I always let her know that she was welcome to visit anytime.  And I always told her how much we loved her and that we thought of her as family.

I never, ever got a response to any of my emails.

We had never once talked about what to expect from Jennie as far as openness.  She never said that she would respond to emails or texts, but I guess I just assumed that she would.

I will admit that I did feel a little hurt that she never responded to me, because I longed so much for us to be friends.  I worried that she wasn’t even getting my emails.  And how sad and betrayed she must feel if she believed we weren’t reaching out to her.

But I worried for nothing!  Because when Jonathan started having a reaction to some foods, I emailed Jennie to ask about her mom’s fruit allergies (this was found on the medical history Jennie provided).  She answered my email the very next day!

LET’S HEAR IT FOR OPEN ADOPTIONS! YAY!

She hasn’t really been much for answering emails.  And that’s ok.  As time has gone on, our relationship with her has blossomed.  We text occasionally, she visits at least 3 times a year, and I still send emails with pictures and updates (although much less often these days).

She is such a beautiful and special girl to us!  We truly, truly love her with all of our hearts!

There is a very special kind of joy and peace that I get to feel when I see Jennie and Jonathan together.  Jonathan is still too young to fully understand everything about his birth/adoption story.  But he knows Jennie is his birth mom and that he grew in her belly.  And when he was born she gave him to us so that we could be his parents.

I think my absolute favorite memory is when Jonathan was 2 ½ years old (just over a year ago) and Jennie was coming for her first visit.  I sat with Jonathan and looked through his baby book with him.  I showed him all the pictures we have of Jennie when she was pregnant with him.  I told him who she was and that she was coming to visit.  And I taught him the term “birth mom.”

I was so excited that she was coming and that made him get really excited.  The day finally arrived and we were ready! It was nearly time for her to come when the door bell rang! She was early! Jonathan freaked out!  He ran for the front door yelling, “My burff mom, my burff mom!”

It was the cutest thing EVER!

 

 

It turned out to be our next-door neighbors, but still!  That moment is forever etched into my memory!  And, no, he didn’t get that excited when she did how up a few minutes later.  But that’s okay! We have seen her pretty regularly since then and it has been the best.  Jonathan is old enough to remember her in between visits and always gets excited to see her.

The other day he even said to me, “Mommy, do you remember my burff mom? We haven’t seen her for a long time.”  He’s totally right too! Time to plan another visit.

We have had such a wonderful experience with open adoption that I seriously recommend it to everyone.  And there are many other reasons why people choose to have an open relationship with the birth parents.

I wish that we had some openness with Alexander’s birth mom.  And it breaks my heart a little that we don’t have any contact at all with her.  If you’ve read the incredible circumstances of Alexander’s Adoption, you know why it is this way.

We were the second family to adopt Alexander.  Jack and Jill worked with an agency to connect with Alexander’s birth mom in the Marshall Islands.  They flew her to the United States so she would be here for his birth and placement.  Shortly afterward she returned to the Marshall Islands.

Jack and Jill kept Alexander long enough to finalized their adoption and then 48 hours later they terminated their parental rights and placed him into our arms.

The 6 ½ months that he was with them, Jack and Jill had a somewhat open relationship with his birth mom.  She doesn’t speak any English and they don’t know any Marshallese, but they shared pictures with her through Facebook.

Jill showed me a picture of Alexander’s birth mom and told me her first name, so I hope to connect with her on social media, and hopefully be able to have a relationship with her eventually.  As far as I know, Jack and Jill have not told her that they placed Alexander with us.

 

Photo by Kylielin Photography

 

We plan on reaching out to her soon to tell her everything that has happened, and how Alexander came to us.  Luckily, one of our friends actually knows Marshallese and can help us communicate with her.  I hope against hope that she will understand why Jack and Jill did what they did and that she will accept us and our invitation to have an open relationship with us.

So far, we only have experience with open adoptions, and I really wouldn’t have a clue how to handle a totally closed one.  In the meantime, we will just have to wait and see what happens.

I would actually love to hear any of your experiences open or closed adoptions. Have you ever had to reach out to a birth mom, with no clue what to expect?  How did it go? Please feel free to share!

Thank you my lovely friends!