I’m not sure which day I officially became a mom.  Was it the day Jonathan was born?  Was it the day his birth mom signed the adoption papers? Or was it the day Jeron and I brought our precious baby boy home?

Which ever one it is, there was a long road that led up to that day.

 I had some health problems that resulted in a surgery that I almost didn’t survive, we went through a year of trying to get pregnant the “normal” way, followed by a year of infertility tests. 

But the story of how we became Jonathan’s parents begins with a phone call from the doctor, which confirmed our worst fears.  There was no way that we could become pregnant.  No amount of hormones, intrauterine insemination (IUI), or in vitro fertilization (IVF) would help.

If you want to try to imagine what it is like getting that news, just think about how you would feel watching all of your children slowly fade away, never to exist again.  Ever since we had gotten married, I had a vision of a little blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy running around our house and filling our hearts. 

I always pictured him with curly hair and wearing nothing but a diaper.  The pitter-patter of his little bare feet against the floor always made me laugh as we chased him around the room.  I never heard a more beautiful sound than his little giggle.

When we got the call, that whole scene that I had been imagining for five years cracked right through the middle.  In the next few hours, the crack grew until it looked like a pane of glass about to shatter.  And in the next few days it consumed the whole scene, until all I could make out were those bright blue eyes looking right at me.

It was a dark time for us.  But somewhere in the darkness a light of urgency broke through.

I don’t know where it came from, but I knew where it was leading me.  

We had talked about adoption a few times over the years.  I was always very open to the idea, and it wasn’t very long after we got the bad new that I told Jeron that we should start the process of adoption.  We had heard that it could be a very long, arduous journey so I convinced Jeron to start the following week.

Even though he didn’t feel like we needed to rush into it, I was persistent.  I kept telling him, and myself, that we should just get through the paper work as soon as possible, because we could be waiting for years before a birth mom chooses us to adopt her baby.

This all happened in February 2014.  It took us about three months to get through our home study, and another month to build our online profile.  All we needed after that was final approval so that our profile could go live and start being viewed by birth moms.  That took a few more weeks. 

Our profile finally went live in the middle of June.  It felt like a huge relief.  We were now ready to patiently wait.  Seriously… we were in no hurry.  We assumed it would take months, if not years to be chosen, and we were ok with that.  I was looking forward to a new job offer – my dream job! And I was anxious to get that started. 

The plan was for me to be a stay at home mom once we had kids, so I just wanted to enjoy my job and save up a ton of money to help the transition to one income be a little easier when the time came.  And after the stress of infertility, we were happy to have some time to relax and just breath.

But there was an entirely different plan in the works!

About 10 days after our profile went live we got an email from a birth mom.  She said she like our profile and had a few additional questions for us.  We responded to her email the next day – after spending hours writing our reply. 

We didn’t get another email back, but within the week our case worker called us and asked if we had been in contact with a birth mom.  We said that we had emailed one earlier in the week, but hadn’t heard back.  Then she told us the news…

This birth mom, Jennie, wanted to meet us the next day!

We had to drive about 1 ½ hours to get to the meeting place.  And let me tell you!  I thought the drive would never end!  I had never been so nervous in my entire life!  I had no clue what to expect!  The only thing we knew was that Jennie and her case worker would be there.  But she was young so there was the chance that her parents, or other family members could be there.

There are two analogies that I think will help explain how nerve wracking it is going to meet a birth mom for the first time. 

The first is that it’s like going to a job interview – for a job you really want, but you know the hiring manager is going to be tough! I mean, you are hoping to get “hired” to be their child’s parents.

The second is that it’s like going on a blind date…that you hope ends in marriage.

It’s really like some twisted combination of both of those scenarios.  

The whole way there I kept saying things like, “I hope she likes us.”

“Was this the best outfit to wear? Maybe I should have changed?”

“I hope I don’t say anything stupid.”

“How soon should we talk about whether or not we want an open adoption plan?”

“Maybe we should have gotten her a different gift, this just seems generic.”

“What if she takes one look at us and leaves the room?”

And on, and on, and on…..the whole way there!

When we finally arrived we were asked to wait in the waiting room while Jennie and her mom and case worker finished preparing.  Oh, how I wished someone was helping me to be prepared for what was about to happen.  But everything had just happened so fast that I had no time to research what to expect when meeting a birth mom for the first time.  Our own awesome case worker did give us some great advice.  She said to bring a small gift, as a thank you to the birth mom for meeting with you and considering you to adopt her baby.  She also said that we needed to be prepared to answer questions about openness and other parenting decisions. 

One thing that Jeron and I had discussed was that it would be in our best interest to be fully honest with any perspective birth mothers.  No matter what questions they asked, no matter how personal they seemed.  Although I can never truly understand what a birth mother goes through, I tried to imagine, and I knew that I would want the truth about everything and anything about the home and family that I was considering placing my baby with.

Armed with that advice and those decisions, we were finally led back into the conference room where Jennie and her mother were waiting for us. 

After some slightly awkward introductions, we presented Jennie with the gift we had brought her.  Since we only had one day notice of meeting her, I will never forget the panic and stress I felt about picking just the right present.  Luckily for me, my amazing mother-in-law saved the day. She was able to go shopping with me and pick out a cute watch and a few gift cards to give Jennie the next day. 

Jennie was so surprised and touched.  And as it turned out, it happened to be her birthday! Thank heavens our case worker told us to bring a gift!  The case worker then led a detailed discussion that included us telling about ourselves, our marriage, our decision to adopt, what we would be ok with as far as openness was concerned, etc. 

One thing I will always be grateful for is our decision to be totally honest with her.  Because at some point during our meeting, we told her that she should feel free to ask us anything at all, and that nothing was off limits.  We considered everything in our lives to be her business. 

Up to that point, the conversation had been going pretty well.  But after we said that, I remember the look of relief that crossed both Jennie and her mom’s face. Even though they were still a little hesitant, I could tell they felt better about asking us things that they really wanted to know.  Things that would help her decide if we were the right parents for her baby boy.

After about an hour, the case worker said that she had another meeting to get to but that we were free to stay and visit longer if we wanted to.  Jeron is the BEST! He pipped right up and invited Jennie and her mom to go out to dinner with us so that we could continue talking and get to know each other better.  Jennie’s mom had to go pick up her other kids, but encouraged Jennie to go with us. YAY!

Birth moms are so brave! She was only 19 years old, and she came with us in our car and went out to dinner with us.  We talked and joked around.  It was definitely less serious than our meeting with the case worker, and it allowed Jennie to ask us more questions and get to see us in a more natural environment.

At one point after we had eaten, but were still in the restaurant talking, I started to over think, and over analyze how things were going.  Those of you who know me are probably not surprised!  But I got in my own head SO BAD! And I couldn’t get out.

I started to feel like we were keeping her too long, and that maybe she just wanted to get out of there but was too polite to ask us to take her home.  I thought she was feeling bored and the longer we kept her, the less likely she would be to choose us to adopt her son. 

In short, I was completely freaking out!

I honestly don’t know how long we were at the restaurant, but we eventually left and took Jennie home.  We chatted in her drive way for a few minutes before her mom came out and invited us in to meet Jennie’s dad.  We were happy to be introduced to him and chat for a few minutes more with both her parents. 

And then we were on our way home.  We had done it! We met with a birth mom and survived! I remember that before the meeting, I was looking forward to it being done so that I could relax and stop stressing about meeting her. 

But I was so wrong! That didn’t happen at all!

Instead, I immediately began stressing about what would happen next! Would she call us again, would she for sure choose us? Did she like us? Would she change her mind? Would she choose someone else?

In the end we decided to email her the next morning and simply thank her again for meeting us.  We told he that we loved getting to know her and that we hoped to hear from her soon. 

Which we did! 

And that is the story of how we met Jonathan’s birth mom and what to expect when meeting a birth mom for the first time.

As always, thank you for taking the time to read about our adoption journey.  I would love to hear about your experiences meeting birth moms and/or adoptive parents for the first time.

Thank you, my lovely friends!