If you are considering adoption, one of the first things that you will need to start thinking about is if you would like an open or a closed adoption.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept of an open vs. closed adoption, let me explain.

In an open adoption, the adoptive parents and the birth parents have traded personal information and have the option of contacting one another.  There are various degrees of openness.  Emails, pictures, social media, texting, calling, and visits can all be factors that are included in openness.  The birth and adoptive parents usually meet before the birth/placement of the baby.

In a closed adoption neither party has any contact information for the other.  Many times there are even arrangements made that neither party can try to contact the other until the child is 18 years old.  The birth parents have no idea who has adopted their baby and the adoptive families do not know where the baby came from.

Up until pretty recently, closed adoptions have by far been the most popular form of adoption.  Now, according to this, it is estimated that less than 5% of adoptions are completely closed, 40% are mediated, and 55% are considered open.

There is a ton of research available now that shows how beneficial an open adoption is for all members of the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptee, adoptive parents).   But I wanted this list to represent the personal experiences of myself and others I know.

 

 

Pros for Adoptee and Adoptive Families

I am putting the adoptive family and the adoptee in the same group, because I figure if it’s good for my child, then it is good for me as well!

The child knows where he came from

This is invaluable for the development of good self-esteem and identity. And as an adoptive mom, it is such a relief to be able to answer any questions my child may have about his birth family.  I am pretty sure it would break my heart to see my child struggle with self-esteem and identity and not be able to help him!

There is no need to search for or fantasize about birth parents

Have you all seen the TV show “Long Lost Family?” It is all about adoptees and birth parents searching for each other.  It is almost always a happy ending, where both parties are happy to reunite.  But realistically, adoption searches can be exhausting in so many ways: emotionally, financially, spiritually and physically.  With an open adoption there is no need to suffer through all of that.

 

Photo by @jessicas.photography

 

The child has the chance to understand birth parents’ choice

They never need to feel unwanted or unloved.  They will grow up having a relationship with their birth parents.  They will know why they were placed for adoption.  This will also limit the child’s sense of abandonment.

Adoptive parents and child will have access to medical information

THIS IS HUGE!!  We have actually asked Jonathan’s birth mom, Julie, medical questions before.  It was nothing serious, mostly just a first-time mom over reacting (that’s me)!

When Jonathan was about 1-year-old, he started having a reaction on his skin when he would eat certain foods.  We noticed it especially when he ate watermelon and tomatoes.  I had a vague memory of reading on the medical history that someone in the birth family had food allergies, so I dug it out and read it over.

Sure enough Julie’s mother had fruit allergies.  Neither Jeron nor I have food allergies so we really didn’t know what to look for, or if the reaction Jonathan was having was even caused by an allergic reaction.  But because we had been exchanging emails and texts with Julie since Jonathan was born, I felt 100% comfortable reaching out to Julie about the allergy.

I asked her if she knew specifically which fruits her mom was allergic to, or if it was all of them.  I told her about Jonathan’s slight reactions and asked if that was similar to her mom’s reactions.  She said that her mom didn’t have any problems with tomatoes or watermelon.   After consulting our pediatrician, it turned out that he was just a little sensitive to those foods and has since out grown it.

 

 

Family, family and more family!

With an open adoption, the child has three entire families to love and support him. The more people a child has loving him the better! Enough said!

 

Pros for birth mom

I have never placed a baby for adoption.  I will not pretend to know or understand how that feels or how a birth mom makes that decision.  So, when I share anything from the perspective of a birth mom, I am sharing things that I have either read about or discussed with birth moms that I personally know.

You will have a relationship with your child

Every birth mom that I have ever talked to has wanted their baby! They were placing him/her for adoption out of love! Sometimes it was so the baby could have both a mom and a dad.  Sometimes they felt too young to be a parent.  One was not financially ready.  But they all wanted their babies! With an open adoption plan you get the chance to see your child!

 

 

You have control

You can choose the family that will adopt your baby. Many times, you can even meet them before baby is born.  You can start a relationship with them, get to know them, and decide if they will be good parents for your baby.

You can answer your child’s questions about their adoption story

Although it could be a difficult conversation, you will get the opportunity to explain why you chose what you chose.  You can make sure your child knows that you love them, and that you have always loved them and that it was because of this love that you placed them for adoption.

Reduced Uncertainty

Because you will have regular interactions with the adoptive family, you can feel reassured and comforted about child’s well being.

 

Photo by @jessicas.photography

 

Improved mourning/Reduced guilt

This can help birth parents deal with grief and sense of loss. You may experience less guilt because they have a relationship with child and can see how happy and well-balanced your child is.

 

Cons for birth mom

Less privacy

You will not be anonymous in an open adoption.  Your child’s parents will know your name and may email, text, or call you.  They will love you and will want a relationship with you.

Less closure

There is no closing the door and pretending it didn’t happen. If that is what you are hoping after you place your baby for adoption, then an open adoption is not for you.  Depending on the degree of openness, you will be getting pictures and letters about your baby regularly!  A constant reminder.  This can be very difficult – especially in the beginning.  But if you can make it through, there is so much peace and beauty ahead!

Feel pressure to stay in touch

This goes along with the above reason.  Just remember that every time your child’s parents text or email you, they are simply trying to fulfill their agreement reached for the open adoption arrangements.  They are not trying to hurt you or remind you of all the heart ache that you have had to endure. The most important thing for you to remember is that you don’t have to look at or respond to anything until you are ready.  If you find it too painful to look at the pictures they have just emailed to you, then don’t open it.  Save it for another day, when it can bring you happiness and not sadness.

Jonathan’s birth mom has never responded to any email we have ever sent (in 4 years) with the exception of ones were we asked specific medical questions.  It was hard to never hear from her! But I can’t imagine what she was going through.  I had to practice patience and understanding.  And I had to keep sending the emails according to our arrangement.  That’s all I could do.

So, if it’s not in your best interest, while you are healing, then don’t feel pressure to stay in touch.  That being said, if you do back away and later regret it, simply reach out to the adoptive family!  They will be thrilled to hear from you!

 

 

Adoptive family may want to change degree of openness after the adoption takes place

I’m sure this is one of the greatest fears a birth mom faces when placing her baby.  You think you’ve found the perfect family for your baby.  You are all on the same page about openness.  You place the baby in their arms. And you never hear from them again.

There can be a few reasons for this, and they are not all bad! They may just need time.

• Time to adjust to having a new baby.
• Time to get used to the idea of an open adoption.
• Time to bond with the baby and grow together as a family.

They may just be unsure of how to establish a relationship with you.  If this is their first open adoption they probably have no clue how to proceed.  All it may take is for you reach out and simply ask for pictures, or remind them of any arrangements made prior to the adoption.

The most important thing is to keep the channel of communication open between you and the adoptive family.

 

Photo by @jessicas.photography

 

 

Cons for adoptive families

You don’t actually like your baby’s birth mom

You now feel forced into a friendship with someone you don’t want to be around.  To this I say, “Suck it up!”  The relationship you have with your child’s birth mom is important.  After all, she gave you her baby.

If you agreed to an open adoption, then honor that.  If you need some time or space then let her know.  If you want to change the degree of openness, then talk to her about it.  If all you can handle is one visit a year and monthly emails, then let her know!

Just don’t cut her out!  She sacrificed everything, and you benefited.  The least you can do is make a small sacrifice for her.  And remember that it is in your child’s best interest to have some degree of openness!  This does not apply if the reason you don’t like her is because you feel your child is unsafe with her, or drugs or alcohol, etc.  And even then, you can have an open relationship without visits.  Just have an email and social media relationship.

 

 

Boundary issues

The worst-case scenario here could be if a birth mom lives close by and stops by for visits more than was originally planned.  She might constantly be giving input on how to care for the baby. The adoptive family is unsure of how she fits into the family and how to accommodate her.  It can be tough, but the key is to communicate with each other and to be understanding and sensitive to one another.  An open adoption should not mean co-parenting.

Possible unrealistic expectations

Another way of saying this is that you feel like you aren’t living up to the birth moms expectations.  You feel you will let her down if the child doesn’t always look and act perfectly in every situation. You don’t buy enough gifts for the child or take him to Disneyland every year.  The child doesn’t always get straight A’s in school.

I actually struggle with this a lot more than I would like to admit! And I will be the first to say how awesome Jonathan’s birth mom is! She is down to earth and thoughtful and kind and isn’t judgey at all! But deep down I will always worry that something I do as a mom will make her regret her decision to place her baby boy with me.

 

Photo by @jessicas.photography

 

Another interpretation of this is that the birth mother actively lets you know that she thinks you are failing her child!  Or she has let you know that she wishes she would have chosen some one else to adopt her baby.  I have never met anyone that this has happened to.  I don’t even think that I have ever heard of this.  I think the major con here is that you put that pressure on yourself.

I hope this list has been helpful and informative, especially if you are currently considering adopting or placing a baby for adoption.  And even though there are cons to consider, I strongly recommend an open adoption!  It has been such a wonderful experience for our family.  I consider it a blessing that my son knows and loves his birth mom!

The relationship between birth parents and adoptive parents is just like every other relationship – the most important thing you can do it to learn how to communicate with each other!

If you can think of anything that I may have left off the list please feel free to comment below.  I always love to hear your experiences and thoughts!

Thank you my lovely friends!