I often get asked why I named a blog about adoption The Whispering Leaf.  So today I thought I would share some of my deepest feeling about adoption, and why I felt the name The Whispering Leaf was so perfect.

But first let me ask you some questions. “Do you feel the need to whisper when talking about adoption?” and if so, “Why?”

For us, it all began with the adoption of our first son, Jonathan.  The minute people learned that we had adopted a baby, they wanted to share how adoption had touched their life.  Some of these people I had known for a long time, while others were new acquaintances.  Some of them had been adopted and had never met their birth moms, while others had placed a baby for adoption years before.  I heard many stories from older friends how their children had adopted and how much they love their grandchildren.   Young girls told me about placing their babies for adoption and how open adoption has blessed their lives.

There is no way I could ever count the number of stories I have heard from other people who had been touch by adoption.

 

 

Photo by @jessicas.photography

 

But it felt strange when people I had known for a long time would all of a sudden come out of the woodwork and share their adoption story.  First of how, how did I not know this years ago? Why didn’t you ever tell me?  Are you ashamed of it?  Is it a big secret? Should it be a secret? How did this huge part of your life never come up before?

Don’t get me wrong, I understand 100% why people don’t go around shouting their adoption stories from the roof tops.  I would never expect Jonathan to walk up to some one and say, “Hi! I’m Jonathan and I am adopted!”  It seems ridiculous.   For starters, when you have adopted kids, or siblings, or cousins, or grand-kids, you can kind of forget they are adopted.  They are just family! The fact that they are adopted doesn’t make them less of a brother, or son, or cousin!

If you were adopted, you may choose not to tell people because you don’t to hear insensitive questions that are sure to come up.  Especially if you don’t know a lot of answers about your birth story and adoption.  Also, being adopted doesn’t define you.  You many not want to be know as “the kid who was adopted.” I know I DO NOT want that for Jonathan or Alexander.

And then there are birth parents.  Amazing, wonderful birth parents! Every birth parent that I have come in contact with has been open with me about the fact that they placed a baby for adoption.  I know that once they learn we have adopted they feel safe sharing their story.  But to share that part of their life with someone who is outside of the adoption world, leaves them open to some very cruel judgments, comments and hate.  And it breaks my heart.

So, as I said before, I get why people usually only share their adoption stories with me once they learn we are part of the adoption world.  It makes total sense!

But when two blonde haired parents have a baby with dark brown hair, people ask questions.  So I have never really had the option to keep our adoption a secret.  People love to gush over new babies and decide if they look like their momma or daddy the most.  And I love that!  I want all the people to gush over my babies all the time! LOL!

But there are three instances that I would like to share.

The first one happened when Jonathan was very, very young.  Maybe just a month old.  Jeron and I were walking through a department store, when a stranger stopped us to gush over the baby.  She commented, “What a beautiful baby! Where does he get all that dark hair?”

 

Photo by @jessicas.photography

 

 

This kind of conversation happens all the time! People love to see new babies!  And I bet there are plenty of blonde parents who have dark-haired biological babies.  So, no big deal, right?

WRONG!  I felt all sorts of weird!  I had never been faced with a situation like this before, and had no clue how to handle it.  He got his hair from his birth parents, who both have dark hair.  But do we need to tell her that?  Is it any of her business that he is adopted?

I need to be clear that we were in no way offended by her question – at all!  I was a very proud and gushing new momma!  And I loved for other people to gush over my baby too!  It’s the BEST!

But we had never thought about how we would, or should, handle these kinds of conversations!  Luckily for me, Jeron is an amazing guy!  He loves people, and is very friendly and personable.  He just knows how to talk to people.  So even though we were both caught off guard but her question, Jeron was able to manage the situation pretty well.

He just simply told her, “We just adopted him, and his birth mom has dark hair.”

I could tell she was a caught off guard and definitely surprised by Jeron’s comment.  She was clearly embarrassed, but she was very sweet and responded, “Oh congratulations. He is beautiful.”  And then we all went on our way.

The second instance I had taken Jonathan to the grocery store.  He was probably about six to eight months old.  Jeron was not with us.  Again, someone stopped me to comment on how cute Jonathan was. They looked and him and then looked at me, then back and Jonathan again.

“Well he must look just like his daddy!  I can’t see you in him at all!”

 

Photo by @jessicas.photography

 

 

I was seriously so surprised by this comment that I literally laughed out loud! Although, we have never met Jonathan’s birth father, we have seen pictures of him.  And to be honest Jonathan does look “just like his daddy.”

I felt bad for laughing, so I quickly explained that we had adopted him.  And that I was laughing because she was right about him looking like his birth father.  I could tell she felt awkward and embarrassed by her comment, even though it really didn’t bother me at all!

The third involves little Alexander.  He has brown skin and black hair, so most people just assume he’s adopted.  Although to be honest, one time someone asked me if we were fostering him.  And more than once people have straight out asked if he was mine.  But those are for another time.  The story I would like to tell we is when we were out to dinner at Texas Roadhouse with Jeron’s sister and her husband and daughter.  Her husband is Chinese.  And even though Alexander is Marshallese, not Chinese, the waiter assumed that he belonged to my brother and sister-in-law.  To be fair, he does look A LOT like my brother-in-law!

Of course the waiter felt embarrassed by his mistake.  But I wish he didn’t.  It was a very understandable mistake, and probably one that I might have made sometime in my life!

The point of all these stories is that we don’t always know the best way to handle questions about adoption.  There was no point along our adoption journey that we were taught how to respond in these situations.  We still feel a little torn about how many details we need to share when someone makes comments or asks questions.

I am sure that all the comments and questions come from a good place, people usually have good intentions.  They are just trying to be friendly and most of the time they are truly curious about adoption.  I have found that people usually have 2 reactions when I bring up adoption.  They either feel awkward and embarrassed or they are very curious and ask a ton of questions.

I definitely prefer the questions, but I most often get the awkwardness.  People aren’t sure how to respond to adoption.  They get embarrassed and just hem and haw and try to end the conversation as quickly as possible.  I feel like adoption makes people feel like they need to whisper.  And that response is the reason I named my blog The Whispering Leaf.

 

Photo by Kylielin Photography

 

I am here.  I am whispering.  And I hope that through this blog, people will realize they don’t need to whisper about adoption.  I hope I don’t feel the need to whisper.  I hope that no one feels embarrassed or awkward when they talk about being adopted, or placing a baby for adoption, or being adoptive parents.

I am so truly grateful for adoption.  It has given me the chance to be a mom, it has given me a family!  It has given me the chance to meet and love the birth moms in my life – what a blessing they are! I would have none of this without adoption.

Have any of you had any similar experiences, good or bad, talking about adoption? Any advice on how to handle this situations?  I would love to hear all of your stories!

Thank you my lovely friends!